It can also be really scary to share that we miss each other, in part for fear that the other person will dismiss our expression of our own inner experience of longing in order to avoid the challenging work of managing their own internal reaction to our longing. While it may be that we can and need to keep learning how to self-soothe in relationships when we feel separation anxiety, we can and also need to keep learning how to not be dismissive and cold to each other's needs for connection. It is possible to hold both the position that we have a boundary for our need for autonomy and for how much time and listening and attention we have for others, as well as the position that we are not disconnecting, that we care about our loved one's needs, and that we will remain connected over time. In other words, it is possible to simultaneously have a need for space and a willingness to stay connected.
We can say, "I want some time alone, and I'm telling you this because I care about you and about knowing your feelings, and I don't want to dismiss your feelings, and I don't want us to feel disconnected."
We can say, "I can't keep listening to this right now, and I still love you and miss you, too. Both things are just both true for me right now."
We can say, "I worry that I am hurting you when you tell me that you miss me because my story is that I've been bad for not spending more time or attention on you, and I'm working on this part of myself and staying connected to myself and to you by working on trusting that my actions are ok and my desire to do other things is ok, and trusting that you are working on your own feelings and on your self-soothing, too, and that I can practice hearing your missing me as just a way that you express love."
What helps you stay steady with your loved ones when they miss you or need you in ways that worry you or that you don't have ample space for in the moment?
We can say, "I want some time alone, and I'm telling you this because I care about you and about knowing your feelings, and I don't want to dismiss your feelings, and I don't want us to feel disconnected."
We can say, "I can't keep listening to this right now, and I still love you and miss you, too. Both things are just both true for me right now."
We can say, "I worry that I am hurting you when you tell me that you miss me because my story is that I've been bad for not spending more time or attention on you, and I'm working on this part of myself and staying connected to myself and to you by working on trusting that my actions are ok and my desire to do other things is ok, and trusting that you are working on your own feelings and on your self-soothing, too, and that I can practice hearing your missing me as just a way that you express love."
What helps you stay steady with your loved ones when they miss you or need you in ways that worry you or that you don't have ample space for in the moment?
[image description: A heart with one wild braid of hair looks at the viewer and says, "I miss you."]
#MindfulHearts retrospective.
On this day 2020.
On this day 2019.
On this day 2018.
Celebrating three years of daily cartoons.
On this day 2020.
On this day 2019.
On this day 2018.
Celebrating three years of daily cartoons.
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